President Biden’s 3-year-old German Shepherd, Major, has bitten his second victim in two weeks, this time on the White House South Lawn, on Monday.
“So far, neither hapless victim has turned into a vampire or werewolf, so we can all breathe easy,” a White House spokesman told this reporter. “At least, until the sun goes down and the full moon rises.”
Everybody is quick to blame the dog in all this, and quick to ask the new President why his devil dog is trying to eat people, but no one has tried to actually ask the chomper, himself, ‘What up?!’
Until this intrepid reporter cornered the carnivorous canine in his Bad Doggy Corner.
“So what’s the deal, Major? Do people smell like Kibbles And Bits or Alpo? Or do we taste like steak or liver?” I asked the German Shepherd, who surprisingly doesn’t actually speak German.
“Well, it’s like this, Stefano…Can I call you ‘Stefano’?”
“No. Call me ‘Stefano’; we’re all friends here.”
“Okay,” Major agreed, his big tongue sticking out as he panted, expelling breath that smelled suspiciously like ‘National Park Service employee’, “It’s like this…I bit the guy because–SQUIRREL!”
Twenty seconds later, Major was back to reality, his intense trance a thing of the past.
“All you people-humans look alike to me,” Major admitted. “You see white, black, yellow, brown. I see stripes and polka dots, and frills and legs and shoes and spandex andSQUIRREL!”
Again, Major broke his rodent-trance several seconds later. And I couldn’t see the squirrel that was distracting him. Damn this 20/20 human vision!
“Anyways, I was on the campaign trail, and in front of the TV, and listening-in on lots of conversations with the tall white-haired human-person that feeds me, and I was just doing his bidding.”
“You mean you were just following President Biden’s instructionsSQUIRREL!” I asked and blurted out, and shook my head. “Sorry. That’s contagious. So Joltin’ Joe told you to bite random people?”
“Oh, heck, no, Stefano! Trump! He was cursing Trump every day, so I’m just biting every people-human until I get him! I can’t tell you guys apart, so I just go for it, because the old guy that feeds me called Trump a coward! And you know what cowards taste like?”