After his two-hour stint of channelling Alan Partridge during Wednesday’s semi-final match between England and Denmark, ITV football commentator Sam Matterface is in the final stages of training for a full-on patriotic meltdown during tonight’s Euro 2021 final. Perched on a stool in a sound-proofed bunker underneath ITV’s broadcasting centre, clutching a lip mike and surrounded by life-size photos of the Queen, Alf Ramsey and Geoff Hurst, Blatherface described his training regime.
‘On Wednesday, I pretty much aced the last minute of the England-Denmark match for TV viewers with a hysterical and possibly psycho-sexual gush of verbal diarrhoea, which went “Call your boss, you ain’t coming in in the morning. You deserve this. England deserve this. Feel it, ride it.”
‘But that was just a semi-final. Now I must up the ante for the final so that I can really stick it to our Scottish, Welsh and Irish viewers with a truly monumental tirade of English jingoism. I have been reading Shakespearean soliloquies and the poetry of Rudyard Kipling for inspiration and I have decided that in the event of victory my immortal words will be: “England have won! Very much so! Albion Gloriana!”
‘After that, the synapses in my brain will fuse together and I will run off at the mouth uncontrollably, urging the world’s population to kiss Gareth Southgate’s ring. That will be my crowning moment, coming after 90 minutes in which Lee Dixon and I will castigate every dive in the penalty area by an Italian player as a cynical act of gamesmanship while describing every dive in the penalty area by Raheem Sterling as the cruel fate of a doughty British bloke brought low by the wiles of an evil foreigner.’
Viewers have the option of watching this match on the BBC instead, but they will probably have to put up with similarly idiotic drivel from its team of commentators. Otherwise, they can just watch the match with the sound turned off. It’s probably Antiques Roadshow on BBC2, by the way.