The country’s media outlets have welcomed the end of lockdown restrictions and declared ‘Free News Story Day’ – a day in which journalists of all descriptions can generate unlimited news stories entirely from vox pops of the general public.
Since initial lockdown, reporting has been limited to awkwardly catching passers-by in otherwise deserted high streets, with people’s opinions kept at least one paragraph apart. However, from today, hacks will have access to hundreds of maskless denizens crammed onto beaches and in parks, each with their own ‘story’ to tell. People talking about what they have been doing with their day so far and what they plan to do that afternoon will become newsworthy, along with entirely unqualified views on virology and the Government’s response. Meanwhile, the Government has officially declared that informative content in news stories is no longer mandatory, and left to the journalists’ discretion.
Reporters gathered in their droves in the newly-reopened pubs and clubs having finished early for the day after completing a couple of circuits of the local park, while photographers, who have spent the morning shooting sunbathers, volleyball players and other beach dwellers, have called it ‘the easiest morning of work since the A-Level results’. However, some have criticised the lifting of restrictions as hasty, claiming that far from easing into a new normal, our screens will quickly become densely packed with drunken smiling revelers, leading to an additional spike in Love Island episodes later in the year.