NEW YORK CITY – (Satire News) – The Scuttlebutt Review reports that the latest James Bond film “No Time To Die,” starring Daniel Craig, was a big dud in Iowa, Nebraska, and Kansas, known collectively as the “Fly Over” states.
SR reporter Dan “The Man” Hardwood wrote that the blue staters just don’t like the idea of a senior citizen (Craig) jumping around, kicking ass, and basically acting like a 24-year-old conceited stud.
One 91-year-old woman, who pointed out she is a devoted James Bond fan, said that she had to leave the theater after the disgusting sex scene with the six-foot tall Patagonian prostitute and the two circus midgets.
Hardwood interviewed Craig who informed him that he plans to quit playing James Bond after his next Bond movie, which is titled “James Bond – Adios Y’all – Reminiscing At The Old Folks Home.”
Craig confessed to Hardwood that he has over two dozen on-going aches and pains from all of the stunts that he pretty much does himself.
He revealed that he has simply gained way too much weight and he has just recently developed a very noticeable lisp.
SIDENOTE: The movie was shot in and around La Paz, Bolivia, which greatly resembles modern-day London.