Flocks of different bird species heading south do not intend to return to the UK. A spokes-goose at the head of a flying V formation admitted, ‘You’re having a lark, eh? There’s no way we are coming back to this puffinturd shitshow.’
‘All of the lakes, ponds and rivers have human and pig crap in them. There’s a lot we’ll put up with in swamplands, but chickenshit? No chance – we’re off for good, and it’s aboot time. From up here we get a bird’s eye view of everything. To say it doesn’t look promising is a yellowhammer piddle of an understatement. Folks putting out bird feed is on the decline. Even old Tom down the park can’t afford to chuck us any of that stale bread anymore.’
Trevor, a penduline tit from South Wales tweeted, ‘There is an acute shortage of affordable property. Available birdhouses are on the decline, and it’s obvious that our hatchlings will never be able to fly the nest. Frankly, those moat mallards who got that fancy property via an illegal expenses claim can stick their bills up their arses.’
Jessica, a starling from The Wash chirped despondently, ‘Most of the juicy insects have been killed off by industrial farming practises which should have been made illegal. You dump that amount of lethal chemicals onto arable land, and you can’t expect anything but a swift decline in farming on a national scale. I’m off, and we’re not even migratory.
Geoff, a not so common sparrow from Dorset blew the whistle on what is going on right across the entire avian community. ‘Literally anywhere is better than this shambles. Even that Canary Island with a constantly roaring volcano, rivers of lava and clouds of choking ash would be an improvement.’