Edinburgh, Scotland – I’m reporting from Edinburgh because I can’t get anywhere near Glasgow. It’s a total mess. Barricades and Covid checkpoints up the wazoo! Who knew that’s a Scottish expression?
Regardless, a member of the Polish delegation to the Cop26 Climate talks has been dismissed by the governing body of the talks, The United Noseypants Organization.
Apparently, the man was caught ‘not-recycling’ by several protesters outside the Hotel, where the Poles were staying. “We all saw him just throw his Pepsi can in the waste basket,” told Pheona Pillsworth, holding the can, who is here to protest the use of babies in diamond mines. A cause very close to her heart. She held a sign that read, “No Babies, No Engagement Ring!”
Weird enough, but ok then.
Others saw Mr. Yakov Pukoff, who is here trying to become Europe’s carbon town dump, throw the soda can into the waste bin also. Many caught it on video and posted it on Snatchat, Instagram, and TikTok. There were already 8 remake dance videos of the incident on TikTok when last checked. 3 in Korean.
“Then he just jumped in a giant van with his buddies, like they all do, and blew exhaust in our faces,” added another protester, here to save coral reefs and stuff.
When we tracked down Mr. Pukoff, the surrounding protesters made him admit he threw the can in the bin. Which he did. But he was confused. He had never heard of recycling before. He thought we were joking. He punched his buddies playfully, thinking they were fucking with him. He was being set up for Polish TV for sure. He mauled the camera closest to him like a grizzly bear.
After it was explained to him, he thought this ‘recycling idea’ sounded pretty great. His buddies did, too. Mr. Pukoff admitted that he felt bummed he had to throw the can in the garbage. Normally, at home, he would save the cans up. And when he had enough, he would patch the door of the family car. “Is that recycling? I’m only about 5 cans away from being able to patch that son-of-a-bitch again, too,” he explained. “I really could have used that can.”
While asking if, ‘burning tires is recycling’ Mr. Pukoff farted mid-sentence, quite loudly, in the glass atrium of the Main Cop26 Meeting Hall. Several protesters fought back tears. But alas, it’s yet another violation for our Polish Carbon Trader, since farting in Glasgow has been banned during the talks. On top of everything, Mr. Pukoff now owed Glasgow officials $1000 dollars, too.
“C’mon guys, you must be kidding!” Again he thought his buddies were trying to pull one over on him. “Ahh, you crazy, silly bastards.”
Mr. Pukoff was processed by Scotland Yard, where he tried to pay his farting fine with a bag full of Romanian Gypsy coins, then escorted the city limits, where he was released out into the countryside. But he didn’t seem to care. He was going to pedal his swan boat home and tell everyone about this amazing new thing he learned all about at the climate talks, called Haggis.
..and maybe even explain about recycling too.