Sorry, but hating you is their only option.

Your spouse got a green checkmark on theirs.

What do her nipples have that yours don’t?

Your kids can smell the stink of your desperation a mile away.

Ah, shit.

That’s it, that’s all it takes and now the pendulum has swung and you’re the enemy.

But 10 minutes later, your spouse gets begged to read the whole fucking thing. Twice.

This was to spite you.

While you’re at work, your kids are interviewing candidates who can quickly take your place as soon as the divorce they’re praying for takes place.

Sure, you’ve made promises before, but this one really can’t miss and they can be a part of it for only a couple grand each.

You may be “some nobody,” but at least they got a 4.0.

This classic cut from Imagine with its acerbic digs and Phil Spector’s wall of sound production is a surefire sign that you’ve failed as a parent.

Hard not to take this personally when you’ve told them repeatedly how intimidated you are by the raw talent and range of the charming multi-hyphenate.

A simple rule of thumb to remember when thinking about who could be the favorite parent is that it’s Mom.

It’s a hardcore maneuver, but then again, your kids do hate your guts.

In accordance with an unspeakable prophecy, your son kills you and takes your place on the throne with his own mother as queen.

Kids are more observant than we think, and if you’re a complete waste of a human being, your son or daughter will likely pick up on it and want to distance themselves from you.

When your spouse is working late, they’d rather see what the cat knows about fractions than get your help.

Even when your spouse was the one who committed them!

It says a lot about your relationship that they would rather hitchhike the 60 miles back from the border each morning rather than risk being seen in the same car as you on the nine-block drive from your home to the high school.

After everything you’ve done for your erstwhile ally, it might sting to be repeatedly stabbed until you bleed out in the Senate, but ultimately this is a teaching moment: Take the lesson and learn from it.

There’s no way your nose is that big. And last time you checked, you didn’t have horns, a pitchfork, or multiple gunshot wounds.

If they learned martial arts and vowed to destroy you via the mighty blade if they ever found you, you might have some work to do.

Per Eastern European tradition, your children are either signaling to you that you are their least favorite parent, or they are trying to ward off Baba Yaga.

Children vote with their mouths and hungry stomachs on whether they prefer their mother or father.

Contrary to the old adage that absence makes the heart grow fonder, most kids prefer the parent who stayed home and raised them through their childhood.

Of course it hurts when your child looks you in the eye and whispers “tick tock, bitch, time’s almost up,” but the best thing to do is remember this kind of favoritism is perfectly normal in children under 4.