Things No One Tells You Happen When You Fly First Class

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If you think getting crammed into the cheap seats like livestock is luxurious, wait until you hear about this. Here are the things no one tells you happen when you fly first class.

Flight Crew Will Kill You Mercifully

Flight Crew Will Kill You Mercifully

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In the event of a plane crash, while passengers in coach die agonizingly from impact injuries or jet fuel burns, surviving flight attendants will come around and quickly snap your neck.

Seat Belts That Actually Work

Seat Belts That Actually Work

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If the plane ever hits some real turbulence, those other chumps are gonna be bouncing all over the main cabin.

Trays Flip Over To Hibachi Grill

Trays Flip Over To Hibachi Grill

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First-class not only gets full meals, but shrimp and steak are prepared sizzling hot by Japanese chefs right in passengers’ laps.

When You Fall Asleep A Flight Attendant Comes By And Cuts Your Fingernails And Toenails For You

When You Fall Asleep A Flight Attendant Comes By And Cuts Your Fingernails And Toenails For You

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Now that’s luxury.

You Can Get Off The Plane Whenever You Want

You Can Get Off The Plane Whenever You Want

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Not into the flight anymore? The doors in first class aren’t locked, and you’re free to come and go as you please.

Kevin Hart–Free Movies

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If Kevin Hart appeared in a movie you are watching, airlines will ensure he is digitally removed from every scene.

You Receive An Honorary Doctorate In Aerospace Engineering From SUNY Binghamton

You Receive An Honorary Doctorate In Aerospace Engineering From SUNY Binghamton

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You’re practically sitting in the cockpit. You’ve earned this certificate of mastery.

You Can Request Extra Stops

You Can Request Extra Stops

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If you’d like to get out at another airport, simply press the “stop” button above your armrest.

Art Garfunkel Also Flies First Class

Art Garfunkel Also Flies First Class

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That’s him there, in row four.

You Get To See The Good Clouds

You Get To See The Good Clouds

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Say goodbye to those piss-yellow, jagged stink-clouds you see from economy seating!

You Get To Kill Any Coach Passenger You Choose

You Get To Kill Any Coach Passenger You Choose

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It’s your right as a member of the upper echelon of society to decide which of the poor scum in coach makes it to the airport alive.

Your Parents Get Back Together

Your Parents Get Back Together

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Things just get easy in general.

You’re Encouraged To Masturbate

You’re Encouraged To Masturbate

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Flight attendants will provide you with a privacy curtain if you should need one.

Bomb Beneath Seat

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A button on the hand rest releases the 550-pound explosive, and it may be used over any but the most densely populated cities.

The Pilot Will Spank You If You’re Into That

The Pilot Will Spank You If You’re Into That

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No pressure, but if you enjoy being spanked, the pilot will put the plane on auto and come out to give you a few solid whacks.

No Turbulence

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Most modern planes are outfitted with special equilibrium hydraulics that steady the first few rows of passengers in the aircraft and compensate by sending coach passengers thrashing about the cabin violently.

Monogrammed Oxygen Masks

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Small details like this really set first class apart from economy.

Folder Containing Other Passengers’ Personal Information

Folder Containing Other Passengers’ Personal Information

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Neatly organized by row, this directory allows you to quickly get the phone number of that stud you saw at the gate or the address of that prick who rolled over your foot with his suitcase.

Seat-Back Erotica

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First-class passengers don’t have to settle for ESPN and a couple of movies from 2019.

First Flight Attendant Punch Is Free

First Flight Attendant Punch Is Free

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If any of the lowly coach passengers want to do this, they have to pay $25 per punch.

Extra Fucking Blankets

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That’s right, motherfuckers! Blankets for the fucking taking!

You Suddenly Care About The Asian Markets

You Suddenly Care About The Asian Markets

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Lumber futures are looking good, old chum!

The In-Flight Safety Video Is Produced By A24

The In-Flight Safety Video Is Produced By A24

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It clocks in at 136 minutes and stars Anya Taylor-Joy as a flight attendant and the voice of Robert Pattinson as a seat cushion desperate to become a flotation device.

The In-Flight Movie Is Actually A Live 2-Act Play

The In-Flight Movie Is Actually A Live 2-Act Play

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First class is spoiled with the option to have actors perform Broadway hits such as Hamilton or Wicked.

You Don’t Have To Listen To The Safety Demonstration

You Don’t Have To Listen To The Safety Demonstration

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Feel free to tune out the boring explanation of what to do in the event of an emergency. If there is an emergency landing, flight attendants are instructed to save you first.

The Meal Options Are Chicken, Vegetarian, or Human

The Meal Options Are Chicken, Vegetarian, or Human

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They don’t say it outright, but flight attendants keep asking you if you’d like to try something “off menu.”

You Experience Happiness For The Very First Time

You Experience Happiness For The Very First Time

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Sure, it’s fleeting. But you finally got a taste.

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