A man who keeps insisting on his social media that he is ‘switching things up’ is only making minor modifications, if any at all, to the most mundane of his activities, it has been confirmed.
‘Time to switch things up on my lunchtime salad box’, tweeted Mike McBride, 37, today to his followers, leaving them in anticipation of a picture of some shaved truffles alongside his usually limp lettuce, or perhaps Heston Blumenthal standing alongside him with some magnesium-infused tomatoes and a blowtorch. ‘Added some radishes, #hotstuff‘, he continued, disappointingly.
‘Right, that’s it, time to switch up on reducing my carbon footprint. We’ve all got a responsibility to tackle the climate crisis’, continued McBride on Facebook, with his friends speculating whether he had installed a fully integrated heat pump, perhaps a personal wind turbine system, or maybe he had secured Greta Thunberg to give a lecture in the local community centre? ‘Anyone used comparethemarket before – I might have a look later on?’, McBride followed up, leaving many with a profound sense of anticlimax.
‘Its generally accepted that ‘switching things up’ should involve doing an activity in a profoundly quite different way, ideally at least one standard deviation difference from how you usually perform it’, noted Richard Davies, Professor of Comparative Metaphors at the University of Lunn.
‘If it involves even more radical change, then the phrase ‘doing things like a pro’ might be deployed to imply never-reached-before levels of expertise in the said activity, though I’d recommend using this more sparingly’, continued Professor Davies. ‘Now if we’re done, I must go and ‘pimp up’ my CV to include this very routine media interview’.