In a statement surprising no one at all, Downing Street announced today black is white and always has been.
At a press briefing, a government spokesman holding up a rectangle of black cardboard said: ‘Look everyone, I’m holding up this rectangle of white cardboard to illustrate my point.’
However, reporters disagreed vehemently with his assertion.
‘It’s not white, it’s black,’ said one, adding ‘anyone can see that quite plainly. You’re lying.’
“No, not at all, it’s white,’ the spokesman insisted. ‘It might look black to you, and I can see where you’re coming from on this. It’s an easy mistake to make. What you couldn’t possibly have known is that it’s been working hard, putting in long hours, and that’s the difference. This makes it quite clearly white, and it’s now taking a well-earned relaxing break at the end of what’s been an exhausting day.’
The spokesman was asked that if black is now indeed white, then does that not make pedestrian crossings lethal to use for motorists and the public alike? He explained, ‘Ah, yes, we’ve thought of that, and luckily the PM has a pal who’s the owner of the country’s leading road markings contractor. We’ve now placed a national contract with them to have every last crossing repainted as red and yellow stripes.
‘What’s that? Did we go through a tendering process? Good lord, no. We hadn’t any time for that. We had to move quickly to ensure the public was kept completely safe.’