Bedminster, NJ – Donald Trump, who pretended to be president for four years, today announced his death. The person now known as The Former Guy, or TFG, made the statement at a gathering of four pseudo-journalists at his New Jersey golf club.
“I, Donald J. Trump, hereby announce that I have died. Believe me, that means I am no longer living.”
“I can confirm that he is, in fact, dead,” said Dr. Ronny Jackson, former White House quasi-physician, now a quasi-Congressman. “I mean, I’m confirming that I’ve been ordered to confirm that he is dead.”
“I’m sure the fake media will get this wrong and say I’m still alive – just another witch hunt,” said Trump. “Many people are saying, because I am dead, I cannot be prosecuted for any of the fake crimes I’m being persecuted for.”
“It should be noted, though,” said Jackson, “your favorite former president still needs your financial support. Even though he is a billionaire – and dead – he needs his gullible – I mean to say loyal – followers to continue to send him your hard-earned money.”
“I have people all the time come up to me,” said TFG, “big, strong men, with tears in their eyes. They say ‘sir.’ They always say ‘sir.’ These big, tough, strong men; they say, ‘sir, we’re still with you, even though you’re dead.”
“I do it,” said Jackson. “I do it all the time. It’s not like I’m a kiss-ass or anything.”
“He is a kiss-ass,” said Trump. “That’s ok, because I always surround myself with kiss-asses and suck ups. Plus, the election was stolen. I really am still president.”
“He has never been more Presidential,” sputtered Dana Bash on CNN. “His skills as an orator are unmatched – even more so now that he’s dead.”
“I have never been more proud to be his number one suck up,” said MSNBC’s Chuck Todd.
“Uh, I am his number one suck up,” countered Bash.
“Hold my beer,’ said Fox News’ Sean Hannity.
“What?” said Florida Governor Ron DeSantis.
“I would like a word,” said Senator Lindsey Graham.
“Oh stop,” said Texas Governor Greg Abbott. “It is clearly me.”
“So many idiots – I mean supporters – standing in line, waiting to kiss my ass like a dog,” said TFG. “Even though I’m dead, as I mentioned previously. Did I mention it was a perfect call?”
TFG made no further comments, and ignored mumbled questions from the few in attendance. He headed out to the first tee to begin his 10 millionth round of cheating at golf.
“We were hoping he would elaborate on his statement about being dead,” said John Kruger of Fascism Today. “Then again, if he’s dead… well, I guess we wouldn’t expect him to say much more.”
“RIP to the former President,”said Bash.
“He might actually not be dead,” said CNN analyst Fred Walling.
“But you heard him make the announcement,” whimpered a teary-eyed Bash.
“You know,” said Chuck Todd on MSNBC. “It is possible this might be a stunt. He might not be dead, despite what he said.”
“Bite your tongue, Chuck,” said Bash, live on CNN, watching Todd on the monitor. “You heard what he just said. The man says he’s dead – and I believe every word out of his dead presidential mouth.”
“Dana is right,” said Todd, apparently watching Bash on his monitor. “We suck ups need to stick together here in our unabashed worship of this now dead man.”
“It’s Dana Bash,” said Bash on the monitor.
“What?” said Todd.
“My name is Dana Bash, not Unna Bash.”
“Ok, well,” said Todd. “My name is still Chuck, and we’re talking about the deceased former president.”
“Of course,” whimpered Bash, unabashed.
“We’re not quite sure where he goes from here,” said Todd.
“Probably to the second tee,” said John Kruger, still covering the pseudo-press conference. “We have been informed that he shot a hole in one on the first hole.”
“Well,” said Todd. “That’s really quite an accomplishment, considering that it’s a 525 yard par 5 – and he’s dead.”
“Word is that he’s going to do it again on the second hole,” said Kruger.
“Being dead is really working out for him,” said Todd. “He’s on quite a roll here.”
“We are told he will set a new record on this round,” said Kruger. “The former president, now dead, will shoot a 7 on the front nine.”
“Wow!” shouted Todd. “He’s going to shoot a 7 on a round of 9 holes. That really is presidential!”
“Don’t forget he’s also dead,” said Kruger.
“Remarkable,” said Todd. “A dead president playing a record round of golf! Only Trump could pull off such a thing. What will we see next?”
“He’s going to rise from the dead,” said Bash on CNN. “That surely makes him the greatest president of all time – living or dead.”