When Pamela Dalton and her family moved into their three-bed semi in Redditch, the last thing they expected to find was a treasure trove of missing items at the back of their garden, but experts have now confirmed the horde is, in fact, part of the mythical Last Place On Earth.
Prof. Justin Roache, Head of Oceanography at Swindon University, told us, “This is undoubtedly the last place you’d expect to find someone of my qualifications, but I’ve been looking for some notes I’d mislaid and found them here. Proof if proof were needed.”
The police have been regular visitors to the garden, having recaptured several most-wanted who thought no-one would think of looking for them there. Det. Supt. Peter Banks explained, “As soon as this place was identified, we were all over it. Not just criminals hiding out in the shrubs, but stolen goods over by the fence. I think I even spotted the Met’s reputation on a compost pile, albeit somewhat tarnished.”
For the Dalton family, these are turbulent times, and interest in the garden is undoubtedly proving intrusive, although Pamela thinks the fuss will soon die down. “Because people are now looking here before anywhere else, it’s no longer the Last Place, and so the area is shrinking. Which is a shame because we’d got used to not having to look far for anything we’d lost.”
At that moment, she took a call from a Government official who just wondered if anyone had spotted the Prime Minister’s credibility. Pamela politely explained it was never likely to be in the Last Place in the first place. “You can’t lose what you never had.”
As his cabinet colleagues got drunk, Chancellor Rishi Sunak took a few photos on his phone, politely sipped his water and whispered to himself ‘Soon’.