Saturday, 18 December 2021
Amtrak, known for mostly keeping their trains on the track, have announced that starting today, they will be offering $2 boxcar services, to accommodate the growing number of low wage commuters, and ticket-dodgers.
“Our crackerjack marketing team is on the cutting edge, here!” cheered Marty Chugachoochski, VP of marketing, at the annual shareholders meeting in Aspen, Colorado.
“It’s a great deal! You can jump into any boxcar you see attached to a regular Amtrak train, and simply put 2 dollars in the old coffee can nailed to the wall,” explained Chugachoochski, to his shareholders. “Don’t worry, we’ve got each car under heavy surveillance. A large mechanical arm will sweep out non-payers, or any attempted thievery of the coffee can.”
Indeed, shareholders like this new idea. Marketing research has indicated a growing demand for regular people needing a cheaper way to commute.
“If you’re hiding in the bathroom when you see the conductor, this is service is for you!” Mr. Chugachoochski says. He describes this emerging market as, “People who might just need a hay bail, here or there. Or a metal bar to hang on to. A guy with two bucks in his pocket, and doesn’t mind sitting on a bare wooden floor for 50 miles.”
If there are any fights over food or space on your boxcar trip, the company makes no claims of responsibility. “Look, what happens in the boxcar, stays in the boxcar,” said Mr. Chugachoochski on this issue. “The boxcars will operate under long-established hobo railway rules. It’s out of our control.”
“But hey, if you gotta be in Philly by 9AM, and you only got two bucks. It’s worth the risk,” added the VP. “We all take a lot of risks everyday.”
Investors seem to love the news, as Amtrak’s stock shot up 5% directly after news broke of this much-needed service.
“First 1000 riders will get a red bandana tied to a stick!” cheered Chugachoochski, to a standing ovation of excited shareholders.
