The British Hedgehog Preservation* Society was set up in 1982 with one single, focused objective: to keep hedgehogs exactly the same. Today, the Society declared victory in this aim, pointing out that hedgehogs are still here and, incredibly, entirely unchanged from their original hedgehog state, almost forty years later.
“I think we can safely say,” the Society said in a press release today, “that hedgehogs have been well and truly ‘preserved’.”
Detractors claim that this would probably have happened anyway. To this, the Society presents three objections:
1. Cattle grids. According to the Society, hedgehogs have always been magnetically attracted to cattle grids, often falling in, due to their manic desire to cross them and show off to prospective mates. Without the assistance of small the ramps and motorbikes provided by the Society, it is claimed that the entire hedgehog population would have ended up stuffed under cattle grids in a matter of years.
2. Comedy. In the early eighties, hedgehogs were routinely ridiculed on television, with one popular satirical program suggesting they be put in sandwiches. The Hedgehog Preservation Society fought against putting hedgehogs in sandwiches and, thanks to their efforts, very few people did this.
3. Addiction to social media. There have been no recorded incidents of hedgehog addiction to social media.
Given their victory and, after forty long years of battle, the Hedgehog Preservation Society has announced it is to close.
“It’s been fun, and a challenge.” said a spokesperson. “From now on, however, the spiky little bastards can take their chances on their own.”
(*not to be confused with the British Hedgehog Preservative Society, which is something very different and widely banned, except in parts of Doncaster)