Austin, Texas – Texas Republican Governor Greg Abbott was taken today by ambulance to Dell Seton Medical Center with what appeared to be injuries to his face, head, and neck.
“The governor’s injuries appear to be self-inflicted,” said Dr. Edward Selnick. “He has a pattern of bruises on his hands that suggest he has been using his fists to pummel his head. At this time, we have no idea why he would do it.”
Selnick said a team of psychologists was called in to run a battery of tests.
“We caught him several times frantically propelling himself along in his wheelchair,” said Selnick. “Before anyone could stop him, he built up considerable speed and rammed his head into a wall.”
“Odor trunk alright peanut block,” said a smiling Abbott.
“The blow to his head doesn’t seem to have had any adverse physical effects, other than a cracked skull and a likely concussion,” said Selnick.
“Dog flug belt alt,” said Abbott.
“We ran some tests when we were able to get him to stop slamming his head into walls and doors,” said psychologist Dr. Felix Strauss. “He’s just talking away. He seems to be off in his own world.”
“I amount spell ortega emus,” said the governor. “Down else number true spot.”
“He is… uh, not making a whole lot of sense,” said Strauss.
“Actually,” said Erline Worth, Abbott’s chief of staff. “This is completely normal for him.”
“Way blue sup bone snot,” said Abbott.
“He wants to know what time the press conference is,” said Worth.
“Press conference… yeah,” said Dr. Strauss. “I’m not sure that’s the best thing right now.”
“All spit garg car wonk little,” said the governor.
“He wants his shotgun. He likes to wave it around during his speeches.”
“Shotgun…uh, we sort of frown on firearms in this hospital,” said Selnick.
“Oh, it’s not loaded,” said Worth. “He just likes to have it when he’s speaking to his people,” said Worth.
“That’s what he calls them,” said Worth. “We’re not always entirely sure what that means. However, he is, you know, the governor. So…”
“He may be the governor,” said Strauss, “but my professional medical judgment is that he should not be speaking publicly right now, shotgun or no. His condition and behavior indicate that he is a bit off.”
“Boat sting floor tar steep blong,” said Abbott.
“He says he is perfectly fine,” said Worth. “I’m telling you this is completely normal for Governor Abbott. It’s who he is.”