As millions of Brits are feeling flabby after the Christmas break, one man has taken the revolutionary step of announcing his new fitness regime.
Kevin Sponge, 46, said, ‘Yes, I know I’ve said this every year since 2004, but this time it’s going to be different because I’ve ordered a new high-performance water bottle, a £400 pair of trainers same as all the Olympic athletes have, and three enormous tubs of whey powder.
The wife’s already complained that the only person getting any exercise is her when she has to move them out of the way, but you have to take nutrition seriously if you want to achieve the sort of results I want to see by… umm, end of next week?
When it was pointed out to him by wife Sharon that he would have to actually go to the gym to achieve this, Kevin said, ‘Fuck that. I don’t want to become one of those weirdos who takes it too far.’