Johnson ‘too hungover’ to attend Prince Philip’s funeral after massive session the night before

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It has emerged that the Prime Minister Boris Johnson did not attend the Duke of Edinburgh’s funeral because he had been nursing a stonking hangover after getting completely sh*tfaced on the previous night at yet another party.

Being far too busy at the time celebrating his nationwide ban on social gatherings by hosting lots of illicit booze-fueled bashes of his own, it is reported that the PM told an aide “cobble together some noble sounding flim-flam” about him sacrificing his seat at the funeral so another member of the royal family could go in his place, as his hectic social calendar was just too busy, an anonymous source confirmed.

Whilst the nation watched the Queen setting a stoic example of how to follow the rules as she sat alone in St George’s Chapel with her face covered by a mask, it has been reported that at the same time, the pissed-up PM had just woken up with his face covered in dried vomit and red wine, accompanied by a splitting headache and a vague nagging feeling that something of minor importance he was supposed to go to and pretend to care about was happening that day.

According to the same undisclosed source, Johnson had been abruptly roused from his stupor, however, when he was advised by a staff member that if his wife Carrie ever found out he was responsible for sloshing half a bottle of Tignanello all over the new wallpaper, he would have to start planning his own funeral.

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