The diminutive but mighty Chief Medical Officer of the US, Dr. Anthony Fauci, long ago identified as a rare genetic descendant of the nearly vanished hobbit branch of the human family, is back in the news. Startling new photos in the National Enquirer reveal the nearly naked doctor’s distinctive hobbit mutations, including his furry brown feet and slightly elfin ear points. But even more startling, was the sight of a distinctive golden artifact worrying to hobbit aficionados, a ring of power on the doctor’s fourth finger.
Triggered by the photos and whispered rumors of sudden personality changes, new and urgent questions about the good doctor have been raised by Fauci nemesis Senator Rand Paul, among others. According to one NIH colleague who testified under a grant of anonymity, Fauci openly confessed that he would no longer tolerate idiots who did not agree with him. Others, also anonymously, commented on Fauci’s recent penchant for concealment, half-truths, back-stabbing and sly manipulative dealings. “He will not meet with us in person anymore, one complained. He zooms everything from some recently constructed antiseptic space, sealed inside a large inflatable bubble.” When asked if these precautions were necessary, Fauci reportedly barked, “You can get COVID 19 from a dog or cat, did you know that? Maybe, from plants too, although the data are not complete. Have you ever wondered if life is by nature not a dangerous infectious agent? Is COVID a “virus” or are we?”
When Anderson Cooper of CNN, looking for a lighter news hook, asked Dr. Fauci by zoom if the new gold ring of power had perhaps been a gift from his wife, Fauci scoffed audibly.
The ring, he said, had been given to him by a wizard who tasked him with carrying it to Capitol Hill where he would toss it into the still blazing inferno lit by the January 6 insurrectionists. Under no circumstances, the wizard insisted, was he to turn the ring over to any human, especially Jill Biden, the Daft Lord’s power-hungry wife, who had already shown a worrying necromantic capability. And, yes, he would do as the wizard asked, Fauci promised vaguely, just as soon as he could, in spite of the fact that the journey to the hill had proved unexpectedly treacherous and difficult, beset as he was by constant attacks from Twitter trolls, Fox News ogres and surly Republican dwarves.
“My precious…” Fauci muttered, barely audible, his gaze fixed on the ring of power, seemingly unaware of Cooper’s video presence. “Stay with me, my precious,” he murmured again, bringing the ring to his lips. “Soon, very soon, once the virus has passed, next year or the year after that, I will take you home. Until then, you are mine…mine…”