DURANGO, Colorado – (Satire News) – Tittle Tattle Tonight reports that due to rampant unemployment, many individuals have taken to looting while riding on moving freight trains.
Woody F. Ballastino, 42, A spokesperson for the Trans Rocky Mountains Railroad, headquartered in Durango, Colorado, stated that just within the past six weeks, a total of 31 TRM trains have been looted.
Ballastino, who has a degree in ‘Train Looting,’ stated that the punks have stolen everything from frozen chicken fingers to iPads, and Corona Extra Beer to Joan of Arc Glow-in-the-Dark Pantiliners.
A TRM conductor, identified as Clem Rappasax told 3T that he saw three of the asshole looters, and he said all three were wearing red Trump MAGA caps and hillbilly denim overalls.
Another TRM crewman, Engineer Burris P. Crackerwood, said that he actually confronted one of the vandalistic vandals who told him that he was only acting on the Trumptard’s orders.
Meanwhile, a TRM special agent, Vincent Tuttberger, has asked that the news media please inform the public that this blatant thievery will not be tolerated, and pretty soon some of the bastards and sons of bitches are going to find themselves with lead poisoning (gunshot wounds) to their MAGA asses.