King K.

Easily, The Worst Night of my Life

I want to begin my review of the Empire State Building by addressing the airplanes that are flying in circles around the building openly shooting at guests. I found this aspect alone—the numerous airplanes circling the building and firing at me—to be an insurmountable obstacle to a positive review.

I am not much of a traveler, but I have been to some places and never have I received as punishing a reception as I found at the Empire State Building during my recent, first, and likely only trip to the 7th Wonder of the Modern World.

Having previously been considered a Wonder of the World myself, I was anticipating some strange feelings from the visit. Jealousy? Reverence? However, I was not prepared for such a sour reception.

Look, airplanes shouldn’t be constantly flying around a building in the first place. It’s loud and obnoxious. Maybe it’s an interesting effect to make the building seem taller? To have the guests walking around saying “Wow, we’re so high up there are airplanes so close you could almost touch!” maybe adds some thrill factor?

But that the same airplanes constantly buzzing the building would also be firing upon guests is noteworthy and in this reviewer’s opinion, exceptionally unfortunate.

My plus one didn’t seem to enjoy herself either. I don’t want to speak on behalf of my guest—believe me, you are lucky she isn’t writing this. She had an even worse time than me what with having been knocked unconscious at some point during the hubbub caused by airplanes making repeated passes, firing at us and all.

If I’m honest, I don’t even know if we’re a thing anymore. But that’s not really the point here. I can’t say the airplanes firing at us while we were visiting the Empire State Building were the final straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back of a relationship that I will admit had its challenges.

But certainly, it did not help.

It’s only fair that I now shift my review to the positives. I know people tend to be negative on here, but if it makes my previous criticism more valid: I will say that if you are a larger fellow like myself, you’ll find it no problem to easily grab hold of the side of the building and climb up right on up to the top. The views upon arrival were breathtaking. I could have taken in those sights for hours, had it not been for those airplanes that showed up and started shooting me. I am sorry to bring it up after trying to be positive, but I feel it’s worth underscoring.

They were up there, like, immediately. It’s discomforting to consider how fast they were ready.

This capped off a rather unpleasant trip to the Big Apple. You can find my reviews of broadway by clicking on my profile… spoiler alert: I did not enjoy my time there.

In conclusion, I would not under any circumstances suggest anyone interested in not being shot by airplanes go visit this place. From what I could tell in my brief stay, it is a city full of many other large buildings worth visiting.

Parking seemed like a problem. Not a driver though.

—Kong

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