The United States is built on innovation. Our grand experiment with democracy gave birth to this great nation. It’s clear then that the continued success of our union depends on letting American innovators do what they do best: lawfully expand their exciting new line of Knife-Fireworks.

Big Government regulations are killing my burgeoning Knife-Firework business. The suits on Capitol Hill are scared of an everyday American taking two of our country’s greatest pursuits, knives, and recreational explosives, and skillfully weaving (or hot-gluing) them together.

They’re stifling the industry. Think of how many future knife-firework creators, currently in middle school detention carving the word “SUCK” into a desk, who won’t be able to pour their hopes, dreams, and hormone-fueled rage into expanding the possibilities and blast radius of knife-fireworks. It would be like the government assassinating Picasso (my friend, Jeff Picasso, noted knife-firework enthusiast).

It’s yet another example of government overreach. The Constitution has exactly zero words about knife-fireworks, but it has plenty to say about the pursuit of happiness.

My invention is totally safe. No one has ever died from one of my knife-fireworks. I doubt that’s because the government refuses to let me showcase them at any county fairs. It’s gotta be because of the inherent safety of things that are both sharp and on fire.

Humanity has had the gift of fireworks and knives for thousands of years. It’s only due to government bureaucracy and incompetence that it took equally as long for someone to duct-tape a steak knife to a Roman Candle and light that bad boy off in an Arby’s parking lot. Blame the FDA, blame the EPA, hell, blame the manager of the Arby’s who sicced the Feds’ right-hand man (a local volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy) on me for the crime of having a lil Sunday night fun and starting a bit of a brush fire.

My knife-fireworks can’t be that big of a problem since the only thing anyone ever tells me is “no one will ever buy my knife-fireworks!” You tell me what the truth is, folks. You can’t have your cake and eat it with a knife-firework too.

I’m honestly surprised my more liberal friends aren’t on board with me. They’re always saying “get the government out of the bedroom.” I agree! That’s where I keep my most expensive and highly flammable knife-fireworks, right in my sock and loose cash drawer.

If I can’t have knife-fireworks, what happens when criminals get a hold of knife-fireworks and threaten my business (online retailer of knife-fireworks based in international waters)?

It’s one thing to tell me my knife-fireworks are illegal; it’s another to walk me around a federal patent office and ask every patent agent on duty if sticking some kitchen knives onto the side of a half-lit firework counts as an invention. I know it isn’t! That was just the prototype, but apparently the Gestapo in the United States Patent and Trademark office also think listening is illegal. Otherwise, they would have also heard I was open to modifying my totally-invented logo which I now understand does look a little like the United States Seal but instead of an olive branch, it’s a knife-firework (and instead of the arrows, it’s more knife-fireworks).

We have a choice. We can either have freedom, or we can let the government put us in a box. A cramped, tyrannical box filled with plenty of loose knives and firecrackers I stole from Jeff Picasso’s 4th of July Party. You do not want to be in that box, folks. Fight for your freedom. Fight for your knife-fireworks (or purchase them on the dark web; we only accept Dogecoin).

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