The Prime Minister today denied that anyone in 10 Downing Street had been fined by the police over COVID rules. He said he was certain that no offences had been committed, despite the police announcing that fines had been issued. During a press conference this afternoon, he attempted to explain himself.

When asked whether he or his staff would be paying any fines, he said, “No, absolutely not. I mean, obviously we will pay the fines, but they aren’t really fines at all. I prefer to think of them as bribes.”

This drew a gasp of shock from reporters. Johnson continued, “It’s not that we’ve done anything wrong, it’s just that our great beloved police force are so utterly corrupt, and that’s entirely the fault of the previous government’s incompetence, probably.”

A reporter asked him if he was suggesting that the police were demanding bribes from the government, and he made another U-turn. “I never said they were bribes,” he said. “Errrr.. We’ve found a new method of funding the police, directly from Downing Street. We’re giving them money for no reason at all. There were no laws broken, no fines given. We’re just very generous towards the police, who are not corrupt at all. I never said they were.”

Another reported asked Johnson if he was saying that nobody had been fined. “Fine!” he said. “There, fine, I said it. It’s all fine. There were no fines, but it’s all fine.”

He then stormed off without answering any more questions.