I had to call bullshit on myself and acknowledge how much of my feelings were still so deeply rooted in past trauma and exacerbated by the toxic parts of the body positivity community. The movement still has so much more work to do to celebrate other body types outside of the “curvy” hourglass shape. I had to recognize that in spite of how free I thought I was, I was still painfully aware of how much space I took up in the world. The feelings took me back to high school. I’ve never been ashamed of being a thicker girl, just hyper aware of my size and the optics that come with it because I grew up around thin white girls. I tried to make myself look smaller, I wore body skimming, more “flattering” clothes, and scrunched into small spaces. I can only recall feeling “shame” when someone else would become aware of my size, like when a guy would get pissed because I didn’t respond to his advances. Then he’d be yelling, “Whatever, fat b*tch!” in the cafeteria. I think Kat from Euphoria of all places said it best: “I spent my whole life afraid people were going to find out I was fat.” Watch Out For the Big Grrrls made me reckon with these feelings all over again.