Easter. A time for reflection, quiet contemplation, and guzzling lots of Eggs. And also a time to catch up on the latest posts on your local Facebook community group, with the Bank Holiday weekend usually proving to be a bumper time on social media. Here is what you can expect this weekend:
1. What time does Asda open on Monday?
Opening hours of supermarkets are highly unpredictable, especially on a Bank Holiday, so expect a healthy discussion about whether the doors will open at 8, 9 or 10am….or is it Sunday hours? Inevitably will degenerate into a debate about whether shops should be open at all on a Sunday/Bank holiday, and why can’t people just go out and enjoy the sunshine?
2. Dogs fouling the park
Just because it’s Easter, it doesn’t mean there is a stop to THOSE FILTHY B*STARDS who don’t clean up after their dog in your local parks and pavements. And here are a few pictures of implausibly big, steaming turds in the said park that will put you right off that Double Decker you found inside your Easter Egg. Prepare to lose the will to live as you reach comment 160 of 200 about poo bags being left in trees and by the side of paths. And be genuinely scared by the person who responds to every comment that if he finds any dogshit he will personally take it round to the culprit’s owner and shove it in their mouths.
3. ‘A reminder that business posts can only be placed on a Thursday please’
Even though its quite clear that Easter Sunday is not a Thursday, BJ Roofing and a local GCSE tutor have both managed to get through the extensive checks and moderation on the group to post about their services. Expect a few negative posts questioning the quality of BJ Roofing’s work, before someone starts laughing about the name BJ Roofing – if you want your tiles blowing off, he’s your man etc, and then finally the inevitable fun-spoiler: ‘an admin has turned comments off on this post.’
4. ‘Anyone recognise these 2 people walking past my house?’
They look dodgy.’ With a couple of extra days off work for some people, this will give them more chance to look through their CCTV/doorbell footage. In the comments section, the usual criteria will be used to assess dodginess: are they wearing a full tracksuit? Have they got a baseball cap obviously covering their face? Do they hover outside your house for more than 1 second? And were they similar to the other ruffians seen on another Facebook group at any time over the last year (pictures attached in comments).
5. Serious religious post from your local vicar
‘Remember Easter is a time for reflection, and not just eating eggs, and your local church has its doors open all weekend, to highlight the true Easter message when Jesus rose from the dead to save us all. And yes, in response to the comments, we will be giving out Easter eggs to the kids at church. And no, in response to another comment I don’t think its an awkward juxtaposition of the profit-making activities of contemporary global confectionary firms against a 2000 year old religious story. But no, in response to a final comment, we won’t be recommending that creme eggs are used to replace the communion wafer-host during Easter services’.
6. Angry post about eggs not being called Easter Eggs in some shops
It’s political correctness gone mad, isn’t it, says Brian, describing an experience he had in his local Waitrose, which is obviously made up. His attempts to draw people in to a discussion about the complex links between religion, cancel culture and retail fall on deaf ears, apart from the vicar above, who invites Brian to come to his church service next week to discuss further.
