The UK government have ordered that no “furries” will be allowed to compete in the Olympic team, or in any athletic events at national level. The move follows a controversial event where Eck Wine, 52, came fifth in the Chaffinch St Cock marathon while dressed as the front end of a horse.

The number of furries has grown in recent years, leading some Conservative politicians such as Sir Herbert Smythe-Nostril-Smythe to call for a cull. “We should be allowed to ride through the streets of London with our horses and hounds and hunt them down,” he said.

Sir Herbert then explained why he believes that they should not be allowed to compete in athletic events. “They have an unfair advantage. It’s called the men’s 400m, not the males of any species 400m, so that means male humans only. We can’t have beavers, pumas and pandas getting involved. It’s an abomination!”

TheSpoof were able to contact former swimmer Geoff Balcdunt who said, “If I had dressed as a furry for the Birmingham Swimming Championships, I could have shaved half a second off my time for the 700 yard doggy paddle.”