The American aircraft carrier USS Gerald R. Ford, the most expensive warship ever built that’s named after a former president that liked to fall down stairs all across the country, is finally ready for duty. The U.S. Navy has approved the ship for readiness, four years later than originally planned, but not because it fell down stairs. More like Fate wanted to screw with it first.
The Gerald R. Ford is the first of the Ford-class aircraft carriers, to be followed by the USS Slappy Ford, the USS Fjord Ford, and USS Flippity Ford. USS Ford Fiesta was deemed too ‘ Mexican’, and USS Ford Mustang was thought to be too confrontational, believing that other navy captains would want to race her, instead of shoot at her, so those names were thrown out.
The Ford is equipped with a radar system stolen from the Costa Ricans, aircraft launch catapults guaranteed to fire jet fighters off the ship faster than a gigilo running away from an irate husband, artificial intelligence-controlled elevators that talk too much; hot and cold running water, dozens of F/A-18E/F Super Hornets and F-35 Fighters, five EA-18G Growler attack planes (the kind with the cool reclining pilot’s seats, useful for naps); as well as numerous Seahawk helicopters; E-2D Hawkeyes (not to be confused with the E-2E Trapper Johns) airborne early-warning aircraft; and more. (I’m smelling overkill here).
And that’s not all! There’s also ten saunas, seven hairdressers, four movie theaters, a vegetable garden, a water park and slide, 87 pinball machines, nine sushi bars, a Tesla Model 3 for short drives, and undisclosed alien technology that’ll blow up the world if you so much as look at it the wrong way.
However, things didn’t turn out to be all sunshine and rainbows for the clumsy USS Gerald R. Ford, as many of the new systems ran into problems, the most serious of these being the Captain’s VCR. As an old school guy that refused to update to a DVD system, Captain Pat Crackers plugged in his VCR and couldn’t stop the display from flashing ’12:00′ ’12:00′ ’12:00′ ’12:00′, which led to numerous power outages throughout his nice shiny boat. Even worse, the ship’s chef dared to serve fish with mac and cheese! How dare he!
The big, fat 100,000-ton, 1,092-foot-long G.R. Ford began in 2009, but technical difficulties (and more than a few bounced rubber checks from the U.S. government) meant she wouldn’t be ready on schedule until December 2021. The Ford would have a final cost of $13.3 billion ($16.7 billion Canadian), making her one of the most expensive vessels ever built, but that’s okay since aircraft carriers, like bow-ties, are cool, so why not?
Reached for comment, Captain Pat Crackers said, “I’m very excited to get underway! Our mission is going to be spectacular and the best one yet! I just hope that Kevin Feige gets my good side!”
When asked to elaborate, the Captain clarified, “Well, heck, this isn’t a real naval ship! It’s a life-size prop for the next Avengers movie!”
