The Archbishop of Canterbury has, allegedly, told friends he intends to smite Boris Johnson with a lightning bolt from God after Boris said that he was pro-Putin. Welby was overheard comparing his plans to ‘that bit in Star Wars where the Emperor shoots lightning from his fingers – only more so’.

After denying that Boris was the kid from the Omen all grown up, a Tory flunky responded ‘Look at Welby’s funny hat – he must be up to something. We’re not scared of his God lightning threats though, because there is no God. What kind of God would allow Boris to be PM? Actually, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Saviour Rupert Murdoch?’

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