The world’s leading beverage-maker has bowed to pressure to ban the use of the mysterious chemical compound simply known as ‘H2O’. Cans will now contain a powdered corn syrup, which can simply be injected or snorted off the thighs of a comely wench.

Coca Cola is credited with the iconic image of Santa Claus as a jolly old man, in a red-and-white suit with blackened teeth and type-three diabetes. A representative admitted: ‘I’ve heard so-called scientists claim that water is essential to life on Earth but it provides zero calories and simply dilutes our sugary buzz. The public want their caffeine and phosphoric acid served to them naturally. This watering down of a pure product is simply a waste of good caramel colour’.