Ron DeSantis, fresh from a spring visit to a Sunshine State beach, told reporters that he has undergone “red-light testicle tanning”. The procedure, endorsed by Fox News host Tucker Carlson, reportedly helps men drive up their testosterone count, making them more manly.
“I’m a Florida Man and a Red Man,” shouted Republican DeSantis, as he beat on his chest and hurled insults at “wimpy mainstream reporters and their Democratic patrons.” The governor did not deny speculation that he took the testicle tanning sessions to bone up for a possible 2024 run for the GOP presidential nomination.
Another Florida resident, former President Donald John Trump, has bragged about grabbing women by their private parts. However, he has not said whether he got help from a red-light testicle tanning professional.
But a Trump ally was not shy about discussing the controversial subject. Roger Stone, a South Florida resident, and longtime admirer of Trump, charged that “the DeSantis ploy is a political stunt orchestrated by California migrant Christina Pushaw.” Pushaw is the communications expert who starts fights with Democrats and media figures to get more attention for her boss.
Continued Stone, who is known for his deep, dark sun tans, “Pushaw knows Donald will run over her boy, so she got him to man up. It’s weak, and sad, but DeSantis has always been that way, dating back to the days when he worshipped Donald in television ads to beat out a better-known Republican in the 2018 race for governor. DeSantis is a power-hungry Harvard and Yale graduate who will do anything for power.”
DeSantis, who opposes “woke” behavior in public schools and private businesses, said he will ask the Republican-controlled state Legislature to meet in Special Session to approve protections for people who administer and receive red-light testicle tanning treatments.
“I checked with Joe Ladapo, our Harvard-trained doc who serves as my state surgeon general,” asserted the top political leader in the third most populous state in the nation. “He assures me Tucker Carlson is right to back the medical practice. Joe thinks it is also possible that full-body red-light treatments can beat back Covid-19.”
That’s why DeSantis said he will “seek millions of dollars in spending to fund state-operated sites for people who want to enhance their manliness or defeat Covid.”
The governor ended his press conference by blasting reporters who asked if his proposal was an example of “rightwing woke behavior.” DeSantis said, “I bet you get your questions from Mickey Mouse. We’ll see how you act after I put Disney in its place.”
He also snarled at journalists who noted that DeSantis has refused to say whether he got a Covid-19 booster shot. “Red-light testicle tanning treatment is the answer. It will set you free in the freest state in the country.”