Former groupies, internet trolls and serving members of the armed forces all paid their respect for the loss of melodies, the death of legible tattoos and remembered just how many ears had paid ‘the ultimate sacrifice’. Teenagers will throw underwear at a series of memorial statues dedicated to simplistic chord structure. As one military historian explained: ‘To put things into perspective – 12,000 allied servicemen died so Europeans can grow up without the threat of German Thrash Metal’.

The teen band’s assault on mainland Europe back in 2010 was codenamed Operation ‘Make a quick buck before one of us starts looking fat’. A spokesman for the Queen said: ‘It is important that we take this time to reflect upon the smell of Harry Styles, the kissableness of Harry Styles and the manner in which Mr. Styles will become the father of my child. A solitary bugle is scheduled to play a short tribute to the hits of One Direction, which will be an extended rasping noise – not dissimilar to blowing through the arse of a mallard duck …Oh and seventy years ago, some sort of allied invasion, blah blah blah’.

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