For centuries, the British Houses of Parliament have echoed to the fevered fapping noises of pistoning palms. It is a parliamentary procedure little known to the outside world as it is usually conducted under great secrecy, yet its days are now numbered.
A motion was brought to the House that the daily biscuit game is to be banned. There has been a public outcry upon discovery of the practice when Tory MP Geoff Smallcock was caught “warming up his palms” on the musty green benches, to the horror of his colleagues.
Usually at the end of each day’s session in the Commons, after the ladies of the house have been asked to leave, the Chief Biscuit Bearer brings forth a Custard Cream upon a tasseled black silk pillow. The day’s participants then jostle franticly for position, awaiting the Speaker’s order to “Discharge!”.
The MPs then masturbate furiously, with the last one to spill his seed on the biscuit having to eat it up. The participants are mostly former public schoolboys, although occasionally a working class Labour MP will have a go – they usually lose because they don’t have the training.
Boris Johnson often joins in, and has had to scoff the sodden crumby mess on multiple occasions. Dominic Raab and Jacob Rees-Mogg also compete regularly.
The current media storm around the practice is unlikely to die down soon and it is thought that it will have to stop at the end of the current parliamentary term in May.
However, MPs have said they may continue their seedy game by going back to 10 Downing Street instead. “We have lots of Jammy Dodgers there,” smirked Johnson.