Highest seat of public protection in the land, Number 10 Downing Street, issued the following statement with a sigh and a tone of condescending irritation:
‘Look, stop shivering and do try your best to listen up over the sound of your rumbling tummies. We are spending outrageous amounts on PR cut-through to ensure that you are all aware of our fabulous never-seen-before plan called Herd Immunity.
‘This bold new initiative only appears to be exactly the same as doing absolutely nothing, as you are not looking at it from the perspective of scamming millions out of the public purse for yourselves.
‘If you are really poor, then simply switch to Fortnum & Mason’s own brand gateaux. But you must follow government advice on this and under no circumstances are you to touch it. Just leave it on the table uneaten next to the 17 empty bottles of Dom Pérignon, and ensure your housemaids keep the vintage wine fridge fully stocked.’