VENUS FLYTRAP, North Carolina – (Satire News) – The 26-year-old congressman from North Carolina, Madison Cawthorn, says that he was raised in a strict Baptoprescopalian home, and as a result he is as straight as a pink flamingo’s legs.
Cawthorn, who was named after the 80’s stripper Madison Marsha Maxington, told iRumors reporter Vodka Vermicelli that he has never ever worn women’s dresses, skirts, blouses, panties, teddies, baby dolls, or bras.
He paused for a moment, and he then added that three summers ago he does recall putting on a Britney Spears designer bikini swimsuit, but only because it fit much better than his old Spiderman swimsuit.
When Cawthorn was shown photos of his cavorting with wanton women at a reveal party, Maddy, as his maternal grandmother calls him, replied that he will admit to being a cross dresser, but stressed that he is not a transvestite.
[EDITOR’S NOTE: Hmmmmm…Tomato-tomato, potato-potato, asparagus-asparagus.]