Under severe lock-down, Chinese people in Shanghai are pissed off and doing the only thing they can do to protest against an unjust government: they are killing themselves in record numbers!

One Chinese man about to hang himself said, “We’re starving, we are sick, we are losing our minds! I was always told that Mao was god and that being commie was the most super awesome incredible thing ever to be, much better than being born in the West, but now – gggkkkkuugggghh!”

A Chinese official for the Ministry of Everything Is A-OK added this comment concerning the extreme lengths people are going to in order to relieve themselves of the burden of living:

“No, no, the Chinese people are not killing themselves – they’re not allowed! We do all the killing! We are the state and we know better how to kill yourself, when to kill yourself, and why to kill yourself. If anyone tries to kill themselves, they will be locked in prison for a thousand years until … well, until they are successful in killing themselves.”

He then pretended I made a great and glorious joke and insisted that China is NOT trying to conquer the world by buying it (next news story to come!)