Landlords in Festive Road could be forced to let empty shops in a bid to rejuvenate high streets. Under government plans, due to be unveiled in Tuesday’s Queen’s Speech, buildings left vacant for a year would have to be entered into a rental auction.
The British Retail Consortium initially stated that they were unable to put up a spokesperson, but then, as if by magic, a shopkeeper appeared. The moustachioed, fez-wearing shopkeeper started by denying cultural appropriation, then went on to say boarded-up premises were a blight on towns and cities and damaged local economies. His shop had only every had one customer, who tried on thirteen different costumes. The shopkeeper had assumed that he had been auditioning to join The Village People.
The customer had disappeared into the changing room for quite a long time on each occasion, so the shopkeeper had not wanted to investigate what the client was doing in there too closely. However, when challenged, the customer had claimed there was a magic door at the back of the cubical leading to an adventure. On returning to his normal life, the shopper always left with a small souvenir. This shopkeeper has concluded the mystery man was using the portal to carry out raids, and steal historical artefacts, in the style of The Time Bandits.