If you are reading this, I am happy to inform you that the party is canceled. I quickly realized that this plan, while fun in concept, was probably not a good idea. Having many strangers come to my home was a poorly thought-out concept, and adding alcohol to the mix surely would have created hellfire. With a cat, two couches that cost several hundreds of dollars, and a general anxiety surrounding social events, the cost/benefit analysis did not favor having a party in the same location where I sleep.
So, it is with great satisfaction that you may now do nothing or anything else instead.
This was a mutual decision reached by all parties involved. According to survey results, 50% of invitees were planning to ghost, 12% were planning to fake another, more important party requiring their attendance, and four people were planning to fake an emergency (“locked out roommates” being two of them). After a conference with my neighbors who always want to hang out for some reason, I assure you that this party would not have been a good way to spend a Saturday night. Please feel free to spend it now however you wish.
If you had been one of the few sincerely looking forward to the party, here are topics we would have likely discussed, which you are free to read up on in your own time:
- How bad everything is right now
- How good everything used to be
- How uncertain the future appears
- Taylor Swift’s boyfriend’s new TV show, based on that book that I couldn’t really get into but other people seemed to like
- The War
- The Disease
- The Laws
- Any Netflix show that earned a Buzzfeed GIF listicle within a week of release
- Dating apps
- Dating app horror stories
- iPhones vs Androids, who even cares you know?
- Whether or not seltzer water is here to stay
- Working from home
- A politician who is bad
- A politician who is bad, but is also on TikTok
- A TikTok trend no one understands because we’re old and “mid” apparently.
- Does anyone know what mid means?
If you are itching to delve into these topics, might I recommend a phone call with your friend from college or a subreddit?
If you were hoping to get laid at this party, I can assure you that none of my friends are hot enough to sleep with, interesting enough to date, or cool enough to trick you into either. I hear bars and clubs are still open though, should you still feel an unbridled urge to discuss your career and recent weather patterns with strangers. Alternatively, I believe ChatRoulette is still a website. I have not checked though, so proceed at your own risk.
Instead of socializing tonight, I and two selected invitees (whom I like best out of all of you) will be perched atop the aforementioned couch with the aforementioned cats. Anticipated activities include watching Princess Diaries 2, ordering a pizza, arguing about which Princess Diaries film is the best one, looking up the IMDb page of America’s starlet Anne Hathaway, forgetting that she was in Les Miserables, saying “Oh wow, I forgot she was in Les Mis! She cut her hair off for that role,” getting scared by the delivery doorbell, eating the pizza, and kicking everyone out at a respectable 11:30 PM. No one else is invited to join.
Regardless of how you planned to cope with this social event, excuses may be kept on the back burner for the next time I get this dumb idea. My birthday is right around the corner, which seems like the perfect time to send out the mass text once again.
Feel free to drop off any food or drinks you were planning to bring.