After a mass shooter killed 19 children and two teachers at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde Texas, many educators are understandably at a loss. The Onion asked teachers how they felt after yet another school shooting, and this is what they said.
2 / 26
Penny Adams (Ninth Grade, English)
Penny Adams (Ninth Grade, English)
“I didn’t sign up for any of this. When I became a teacher, I thought I’d only have to sacrifice my financial stability, work-life balance, and mental health.”
3 / 26
Judith Montgomery (Fifth Grade, Science)
Judith Montgomery (Fifth Grade, Science)
“Just a sec, somebody is shooting at me right now.”
4 / 26
Aileen Peterson (Fourth Grade, Math)
Aileen Peterson (Fourth Grade, Math)
“I’ve been saying this since day one: the kids need to put more effort into lobbying.”
5 / 26
Jeremy Floyd (12th Grade, Band)
Jeremy Floyd (12th Grade, Band)
“Curse those multiple doors!”
6 / 26
Greg Peters (12th Grade, Literature)
Greg Peters (12th Grade, Literature)
“There’s a bunch of excellent novels about dealing with loss and grief, but they’re all banned.”
7 / 26
Shelton Edwards (Ninth Grade, U.S. History)
Shelton Edwards (Ninth Grade, U.S. History)
“I’m replacing all my desks with foxholes.”
8 / 26
Greg Fletcher (10th Grade, Geometry)
Greg Fletcher (10th Grade, Geometry)
“I’m teaching my students how to use their compasses like throwing knives. They’re getting pretty good. We’ll be ready for the next one.”
9 / 26
Frank Quill (12th Grade, Physical Education/Football Coach)
Frank Quill (12th Grade, Physical Education/Football Coach)
“We need these kids to bulk up and learn how to take a hit.”
10 / 26
Mike Stockton (Fifth Grade, English)
Mike Stockton (Fifth Grade, English)
“The police academy rejected my application, but who’s laughing now? I get a gun anyway.”
11 / 26
Scott Moriarty (Seventh Grade, Health)
Scott Moriarty (Seventh Grade, Health)
“I guess I’ll stop bullying my students so much.”
12 / 26
Malcolm Forsythe-Black (Ninth Grade, Latin)
Malcolm Forsythe-Black (Ninth Grade, Latin)
“Only I shall strike fear into the miserable hearts of my pupils.”
13 / 26
Kristin Cantwell (Sixth Grade, Art)
Kristin Cantwell (Sixth Grade, Art)
“Oh my department got cut years ago but I hope everything’s going well!”
14 / 26
Patrick Gammill (Second Grade, Spanish)
Patrick Gammill (Second Grade, Spanish)
“We knew the risks when we signed up. That’s why they pay us 35 K a year.”
15 / 26
Heather Cunningham (Eighth Grade, History)
Heather Cunningham (Eighth Grade, History)
“The new curriculum actually doesn’t let us say ‘shooting.’ They’re called ‘existence displacement events’ now.”
16 / 26
Ellen Clark (First Grade)
Ellen Clark (First Grade)
“How do I explain this to my first-graders who only have 119 school shootings from the past four years to use as reference points?”
Patrice Watson (Pre-K)
“We’re still working on mastering counting to five, but thankfully my class is above grade level in lockdown preparation.”
18 / 26
Lynne Bonner (Third Grade, Science)
Lynne Bonner (Third Grade, Science)
“Today we set aside multiplication tables to talk about how quickly and violently death can come for us.”
19 / 26
Stuart White (Eighth Grade, History)
Stuart White (Eighth Grade, History)
“Sure we’ve lost a few kids but at least the ones who survived learned about the Second Amendment.”
20 / 26
Tricia Ro (Ninth Grade, English)
Tricia Ro (Ninth Grade, English)
“It’s unfortunate that my literary arts degree only prepared me for knife combat.”
21 / 26
Jason Zellner (Third Grade)
Jason Zellner (Third Grade)
“I’ve been petitioning the school board to encase our school in an indestructible iron dome for years now.”
22 / 26
Greg Mills (11th Grade, Physical Education)
Greg Mills (11th Grade, Physical Education)
“I’ve been training students to run for this very reason.”
23 / 26
Emily Putron (Sixth Grade, English)
Emily Putron (Sixth Grade, English)
“If they give us AK-47s, can they also send some pencils?”
24 / 26
Hank Summers (Ninth Grade, English)
Hank Summers (Ninth Grade, English)
“This could happen in any school in America, which is why I’ve been slipping handguns to my honor roll students.”
25 / 26
Ben Greer (10th Grade, Chemistry)
Ben Greer (10th Grade, Chemistry)
“I knew I should’ve picked a less dangerous career, like police officer.”
