Top prize at a fairground hoop-la stall, Boris Johnson, has survived a parliamentary vote of no confidence due to 211 Conservative MPs believing that keeping a proven liar and law-breaker in power is a much better alternative than risking the slim possibility that less-astute-than-arse-crack-fluff Nadine Dorries could fill the void left by his departure.
In what is being seen as a stroke of Machiavellian genius the PM’s strategy team executed a faultless plan to ensure the raw sausage caterpillar remained leader. Over-privileged number 10 intern, Popson Grygg, explained: “Just as nature abhors a vacuum, so do most tory MPs, and there’s no vacuum more expansive and abhorrent than Nadine Dorries.
“We strategised a plan to unleash the secretary for DCMS before the no-confidence vote to scare the shit out of dissenters, suggesting that should Bojo go, Nadine could take over. The plan was easy: get Nadine fired-up with a bucket of prosecco, let her watch Top Gun 2, then allow her to squeeze a few spots on the PMs arse – she loves that. Then wheel her in front of the camera.
“She was f**king pyroclastic! Claiming: ‘we are at war with Ukraine’, suggesting party donors could withhold funding if Boris wasn’t backed, and tweeting that Jeremy Hunt’s ‘pandemic preparation during six years as health secretary was found wanting and inadequate’.
“Boom! It worked better than we could imagine. Nadine was catastrophically self-defeating. A with a majority of 63, the big dog is still top dog. Actually, to be perfectly honest, the PM didn’t have a lot to with the plan. He just lay still and let Nadine squeeze.”
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