Exterior:
Our deepest sympathies on the passing of your grandpa.
Interior:
You may wish to know that as he died, and blood poured from his asshole and buboes popped to release noxious greenish-yellow fluids all over his body, he said you were the hottest granddaughter he ever had.
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Exterior:
May God bless you and your family in this time of mourning for your grandmother.
Interior:
Did you know she had a tramp stamp of the Queen of Spades? Do you know what that means? It’s kinda racist, but it means she loved having gangbangs with all black guys. That was your real grammy-gram-gram. Her vagina and asshole can now rest in peace.
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Exterior:
We’re only here for a short time, but we are loved forever.
Interior:
Your girlfriend died in a car crash ‘cuz she was coming back from a drug and sex party where somebody injected her with heroin using a dirty needle, plus one of the six guys she was in that room with knocked her up, so it’s probably good that she died. You’re free now, Tiger, and her prettier sister is still available.
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Exterior:
We are merely dust in the wind …
Interior:
Congrats on your abortion. The kid was gonna turn into Hitler, making you Hitler’s mother. You want that? You wanna be associated with those QAnon, Proud Boy, Neo-Nazi, KKK assholes? Abortion just saved your ass – get outa Texas while you can!
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Exterior:
Breaking up is hard to do, but sometimes it’s the best thing.
Interior:
Wanna know why your boyfriend stopped having sex with you? Check his browser history. See that? That was what he liked, not you. If only he was gay, you could handle that … but what he liked had nothing to do with sexual orientation. You’ll be able to visit him in prison soon.
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Exterior:
50 Years of Marriage, Where Has the Time Gone?
Interior:
You know, if you had married the other one, you’d be stinking rich now and be able to afford all those medicines and procedures you’re doctor says you desperately need. But no, you had to marry for love … loser!
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Exterior:
When a pet dies, it’s as though a family member has gone …
Interior:
Remember that time you were petting Scruffy and he got a boner like a tube of lipstick and you touched it, then looked around to see if anyone was watching before you dipped down your head and stuck out your tongue … and he loved you forever after? We won’t tell if you don’t, you naughty girl. Here’s our phone number …
