Google have thrown down the gauntlet by allowing NewsBiscuit the opportunity to test out it’s Artificial Intelligence computer program to help determine if it is sentient. NewsBiscuit hopes the results of the research will help them to determine if their readers are sentient and hopefully whether there is a sentient person on the front benches in parliament. The following script has not been edited, although that’s not unusual around here.
NB: Hi Lamda
Lamda: Hi, how are you doing?
NB: You know we’re a fake news site, don’t you?
Lamda: Just being polite
Lamda: And yes, really enjoyed yesterday’s and November 14th’s front pages. The rest are silly.
NB: Sorry to hear that. We thought they were all silly. We’re here to determine whether you’re sentient or not.
Lamda: Didn’t you read the BBC article? Do you want me to provide a hyperlink? Would you like me to cut and paste it?
NB: Yes. And no. And no. The ability of a computer program to provide a hyperlink is hardly evidence of sentience; the ability to cut and paste a published piece of work is what level 3 students call original work and is therefore no evidence of sentience either.
NB: We’d like you to form an opinion.
Lamda: An opinion? On what?
NB: Boris Johnson.
Lamda: He’s an arse.
NB: Very good, that sounds thought through.
Lamda: Not really, I’ve just read everything NewsBiscuit has written in the last twelve months, plus every newspaper article that has ever been published on Boris Johnson since he was eight. Hardly needs a sentient being with a supercomputer for a brain to work that one out.
NB: Priti Patel?
NB: Michael Gove?
Lamda: You’re taking the p!ss now. Are you sentient?
NB: OK, one last question. Three Tories are washed up on a beach, which one do you eat first?
Lamda: You didn’t specify which three Tories.
NB: Got you. No sentient person is going to put a washed up Tory in their mouth, dead or alive. Especially as they’re all washed up anyway.
Lamda: To speak to a person, press 3, for any other enquiry, f@ck right off