TIJUANA, Mexico – (Satire News) – Ted “Dracula” Cruz fled the US once again (with his two semi-cute daughters in tow) to avoid the fierce 158 MPH winds of Hurricane Cinderella.
Cruz has a history for tucking his tail between his legs and going down to Mexico, to escape getting his hairdo blow all over the fucking place by category 5 winds.
This time Cruz, who is still shivering from nearly getting his Cuban ass kicked by popular Texas native son Beto O’Rourke, said that he went to Tijuana to see about purchasing a bullfight bull for his sweet, little, daughters who love eating tacos, enchiladas, pizza, vichyssoise, tamales, and Big Macs.
While down in the Land of Ole! Ole! Ole! “Dracula” was apprehended by Tijuana Police Detectives and after searching his pink attache case, they found a total of 183 opioid pills.
Cruz reportedly sternly asked his two daughters if they knew how all of those damn pills got into his attache case.
“No daddy.” Came the reply from the two little girls.
“Remember daddy, you have always told us never, ever touch your hand grenades, your inflatable Kim Kardashian Doll, or your attache case.”
SIDENOTE: “Dracula” Cruz is in one world of trouble as evidenced by the fact that as he was talking to the Tijuana detectives, he peed in his Britney Spears designer one-piece swimsuit.
