BP executives have turned shareholders into Scrooge McDuck or Richie Rich or Rishi Sunak, just as ordinary people’s power bills skyrocket faster than an Elon Musk fan boy buying crypto.
One BP bigwig bragged ‘It’s not Britain’s petroleum, it’s ours. Obviously we won’t be reducing what customers pay, despite our filthy profits. The Tories say we should run the country like a business so what do we care if they’re choosing between heating and eating? I recommend insulating both your main country estates and your city crash pads with shredded £50 notes. It keeps me very warm at night. Alternatively, dust those fifties over your foie gras.’
To entertain themselves, nihilist BP executives have turned to Victorian style wagers. One offered presumptive PM Liz Truss a reward of £1bn for every coherent sentence or thought she could string together.
Another executive bet £1bn against his colleague adding ‘The terms of the wager clearly state that it doesn’t count if she says something that she then has to roll back on almost immediately. Like paying Northerners less for being Northern. Or worrying about women in prison for not paying their TV licence – all zero of them. Or if it’s something already happening like Tories ignoring Scotland. Given how ‘true blue’ Hertford, Hereford and Hampshire are, this is basically My Fair Iron Lady and I don’t think I’m in much danger of paying out.’