Author: 1278-funnyvot

HOLLYWOOD – (Satire News) – BuzzFuzz reporter Taffeta Kixx stated that the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard trail has lasted longer than their marriage.During the trial, Heard accused Depp of being addicted to Flintstone Vitamins, and of constantly singing Petula Clark songs while they were making love.Depp countered by saying that he needs the Flintstone vitamins to get energy for his and Amber’s boinking sessions, which at times go on for 3 to 7 hours, breaking only for beers, pepperoni pan-pizza, bubble gum, and of course more Flintstones.He then added that he hated Petula Clark’s songs including “Downtown,” “I Know A Place,”…

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NEW YORK CITY – (Satire News) – Madison Cawthorn traveled up to the “Big Apple” to see about getting liposuction on his left breast, which is twice as big as his right breast.Maddy, as his high school badminton coach called him, said that ever since he was in the cub scouts, he noticed that one of his breasts was much larger than the other.He revealed that his mother told him that maybe he should take female hormones (Estrogenosha) so that he would have two big, gigantic knockers.Little Maddy did, but he was disappointed, when the only thing that happened was…

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LOUISVILLE, Kentucky – (Sports Satire) – The purple-colored thoroughbred race horse from Japan, has been disqualified.According to Sportsapalooza News writer Pia Confetti, it appears that “Sushi Sayonara” was tested after the race, and she came up positive for various illegal drugs.A Kentucky Derby spokesperson, YoAndre Fitz, 57, stated that the Japanese entry was found to have illegal traces of Biotracadeen, Myfofillatunda, Kapavill, and .27% saki.The jockey who rode “Sushi Sayonara” Heeri “Bingo” Yakeen, remarked that he now knows why all during the race, “Sushi Sayonara” would not stop giggling.SIDENOTE: Miss Confetti reported that “Sushi Sayonara’s” owner, Osacooda Fukagami, could not…

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LOS ANGELES – (Sports Satire) – Word filtering out of Tinsel Town (aka L.A.) is that the owner of the Lakers, Jeanie Buss, 60¼, has hinted that she may be changing the team name.The purple, gold, and black clad Lakers moved from Minneapolis in September of 1960, just 48 hours before Jeanie was born.Zorro La Bamba with Sports Bet Gazette stated that the team was named after the 10,000 lakes found in and around Minneapolis.La Bamba spoke with Ms. Buss, who informed him that Los Angeles only has 22 lakes, so she feels that it’s really silly to call her…

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BILLINGSGATE POST: The convoluted efforts of the FBI to unravel the origins of the Steele Dossier have taken another twist. Frustrated because they fell for the outrageous story that two Russian hookers unloaded their bladders on Donald Trump’s hotel bed in Moscow, Agent Slim Everdingle is now trying to pin the leaking of the Roe vs Wade preliminary court decision on Steele; claiming that the common denominator involved “leakage” of one kind or another.Christopher Steele, who pictures himself as a latter-day James Bond, claims that he invented the upside-down Martini – which is probably true – because it further embellishes…

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AMARILLO, Texas – (Satire News) – iRumors has just broken the story that Donald Jonathan Erasmus Trump has just been accused of allegedly fondling the ass of the lead guitar player with The Sexy School Marms of Amarillo Band.The guitarist Lila Jo Klinderdick, said that the Trumptard went backstage at their Fort Walton Beach, Florida concert.The sexy guitar picker said that the evil, pussy-grabbing draft dodger, wanted to talk to her about taking guitar lessons from her, when all of a sudden, out of the blue he grabbed her sizzling ass, three times.Klinderdick told iRumors reporter Vodka Vermicelli that luckily…

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MALIBU BEACH – (Satire News) – The rich, talented, very popular residents of Malibu Beach are shaking like a salt shaker at a popcorn convention.The Santa Sopaipilla Fire is expected to get within 95 yards of the exclusive beach house resort community.Hip Hop singer Yo Yo Afro Woke, who owns a $9.7 million beach home, which he imported piece by piece from the French Riviera, says that he has already removed all of his gold records, his huge collection of do-rags, eight cases of Stella Artois Beer, and 96% of his illegal drugs.Miley Cyrus was interviewed by Hollywood Hors D’oeuvres…

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CHICAGO – (Satire News) – Elon Musk, who is one of the world’s richest indivivuals, along with Jeff Bezos, has decided to purchase Twitter.The Chicago Daily Wind newspaper reports that Musky, as first lady Dr. Jill Biden, calls him, is so fucking rich, he could buy all of Europe and still have enough money to buy the Pacific Ocean.Musk, who until now was well-respected, made it abundantly clear that he loves the Trumpster like he loves making money.Elon, which is Greek for, beaver that builds dams upside down, noted that he thinks that the majority of people simply misunderstood Trump…

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MAR-A-LAGO – (Satire News) – The much-hated, despised, and totally worthless Donald Jonathan Erasmus Trump has finally, FINALLY found someone in the United States who he actually likes and who likes him.Melania Trump has just informed info guru Andy Cohen that her twice-impeached, one-term president husband has just fallen head-over-heels in love with Elon Musk.The Slovenian-born beauty, who hates her “husbandt” even more than cat-burglars hate the daylight, stated that ever since Elon Musk remarked that he is going to buy Twitter for $44.1 million and that he will “Unban” the racist, low-life, predatorial has-been piece of goat shit who…

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KYIV, Ukraine – (Satire News) -The iRumors News Agency(Ukraine) has just stated the Ukraine will be honoring Hanky The Bomb-Sniffing Hamster.Hanky, is owned by the Hennyvich triplets, Quinntasha, Quillalana, and Questi.The Hennyvich’s are all employed as pole dancers at Kyiv’s famed Club Cuntalina.The triplets who look as they could be movie stars, have the most beautiful looking breasts in the entire country, including Nicolina Stiffachev, who last year was voted Miss Ukraine Gazongas.The sisters’ hamster, who they named Hanky, after Slovenian hip hop artist Hanky Yo Bro, has a tremendous gift, in that he can sniff out bombs from as…

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