Queen Elizabeth II, who died this month at the age of 96, had very deep silk pockets. The Onion examines the matriarch’s will and who in the British royal family shall inherit all of her expensive shit.
Photos Of Queen As Young Girl
Photos Of Queen As Young Girl
For Prince Andrew’s private use.
Buckingham Palace
Buckingham Palace will actually be repossessed by the Bank of England after it was discovered that the queen failed to make mortgage payments for 70 years.
10,000 Pounds
Her will stipulates that a carriage carrying 10,000 pounds sterling will be paraded through the poorest neighborhoods in the U.K.’s most destitute cities before being loaded with weights and pushed into the ocean.
Nothing
Her Majesty the Queen specifically listed this as what is to be bequeathed to Meghan Markle.
Prince Andrew’s Sexual Abuse Allegations
Prince Andrew’s Sexual Abuse Allegations
In a final posthumous gambit to protect her son from pedophilia accusations, Queen Elizabeth’s will explained how all allegations should be transferred to Harry and Meghan’s firstborn, Archie.
British Citizens
The people of the United Kingdom will move to Spain after being inherited by the queen’s third cousin once removed King Felipe VI.
The Queen’s Twin Who Was Farmed For Her Organs
The Queen’s Twin Who Was Farmed For Her Organs
Shot on sight and body burned in order to leave no evidence of her existence.
Hat Collection
The queen’s three hats are being given to her grandchildren.
Half-Finished Carton Of Lucky Strikes
Half-Finished Carton Of Lucky Strikes
Bequeathed to Prince Harry so he can carry on the family’s cigarette tradition.
The Royal Vibrator
This item is listed to be passed down to the next female member of the royal family in line for the crown, but unfortunately perished alongside Princess Diana.
Diana’s Skull
Once set at the queen’s bedside, the skull of Diana, Princess of Wales, will be handed over to Charles.
35,000 Copies Of ‘The Daily Telegraph’
35,000 Copies Of ‘The Daily Telegraph’
A notorious hoarder, Queen Elizabeth saved a copy of The Daily Telegraph every single day of her life and stated in her will that all 35,000 copies would go to Prince William.
Queen Elizabeth’s Beach Crown
Queen Elizabeth’s Beach Crown
This golden umbrella-shaped crown, perfect for keeping harmful rays out of Her Majesty’s eyes while she had fun in the sun, will be listed on Facebook Marketplace.
Swimming Pool Of Commoner Blood
Swimming Pool Of Commoner Blood
The Olympic-sized swimming pool refilled with commoner blood twice a day will be left along with the rest of Buckingham Palace to the newly crowned King Charles III.
The Pluffy Nonce
The queen’s mysterious, wily half-jester half-concubine of indeterminate age will be sent to Prince William’s estate in Cornwall.
Collection Of Henry VIII Wife Heads
Collection Of Henry VIII Wife Heads
This rare and priceless collection of all six of the Tudor monarch’s wife heads will be left to the queen’s grandson George.
The Pig Sexually Defiled By David Cameron
The Pig Sexually Defiled By David Cameron
Along with the queen’s other singular items of historical importance, the pig that former U.K. prime minister David Cameron inserted his testicles into while at university will be donated to the British Museum.
The United States
Still under the impression that it belonged to England, the queen bequeathed the United States to Prince George, technically making the 9-year-old our king.
Prince Philip’s Frozen Semen
Prince Philip’s Frozen Semen
Elizabeth’s will states that she shall bequeath over 10 gallons of her late husband’s seed to Princess Beatrice of York for all future inbreeding needs.
Nazi Memorabilia
The queen has left her vast collection of Nazi memorabilia to Prince George so he may continue the family tradition.