With an increased focus on the health risks involved in football, The Onion asked NFL players how they felt about the league’s concussion protocol.
Tua Tagovailoa (Miami Dolphins)
“I’ve been really lucky so far, but I have faith the league would look out for me if I ever suffered a serious head injury.”
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Mac Jones (New England Patriots)
“Coach Belichick already assured me that if I ever get a concussion he’ll have me put down.”
Micah Parsons (Dallas Cowboys)
“I hit my head on the turf hard, but I was reassured when the medical rabbit came out in his tiny ambulance and told me in my grandmother’s voice that I was good to get back out there.”
Colin Kaepernick (Unemployed)
“It’s just a shame that this half-baked protocol mars the NFL’s otherwise impeccable history of treating players with dignity and respect.”
Daniel Bellinger (New York Giants)
“If playing college football has taught me anything, it’s how to accept that my body is no more than a vessel for other people to make cash.”
Aaron Rodgers (Green Bay Packers)
“My shaman has promised me that the sacred plant medicines will prevent anything from harming my consciousness.”
Fred Warner (San Francisco 49ers)
“Honestly, the league could be doing more, like letting us punch each other. We could be inflicting way more concussions per game.”
Justin Tucker (Baltimore Ravens)
“Don’t care. I became a kicker precisely so I didn’t end up like these drooling fucks.”
Jalen Ramsay (Los Angeles Rams)
“The league has done its part by hiring countless neurotrauma specialists to shift the blame to if a player is injured.”
Rob Gronkowski (Retired)
“The irony of the modern capitalist pursuit is that even as we convince ourselves labor is becoming more and more of a cerebral act, the materialist worldview understands that nothing has changed, the mind is an organ, and you are never doing anything but trading your very flesh for money.”
Russell Wilson (Denver Broncos)
“If God wanted concussed players to sit out, He wouldn’t have given their bodies the ability to mumble the words ‘I’m fine’ to team doctors.”
Andy Dalton (New Orleans Saints)
“I’m torn between safety and the fact that other players’ injuries are the only way I’m gonna play for the rest of my career.”
Derrick Henry (Tennessee Titans)
“Anyone who lets me play football in the first place doesn’t give a fuck if I get a concussion.”
Aaron Donald (Los Angeles Rams)
“They’ll probably run out of neurosurgeons they can bribe at some point, but that’s a problem for a later time.”
Tom Brady (Tampa Bay Buccaneers)
“Look, I’ll say whatever you want. Just please don’t make me go spend 40 uninterrupted days with my family again.”
Justin Herbert (Los Angeles Chargers)
“What did Tom Brady say about them? Just put me down for saying whatever he said.”
Mason Crosby (Green Bay Packers)
“If you’re not willing to potentially be mortally injured, then maybe football isn’t the sport for you.”
Cole Beasley (Retired)
“It’s fine as long as it doesn’t require anyone to get vaccinated.”