Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson

“The other candidate has a radical amount of melanin.”

“Voting stresses me out a lot, and he seems like the candidate most likely to make sure I never have to do it again.”

“I’m incredibly impressionable. Once I saw a sign that said ‘Johnson for Senate’ I was immediately convinced.”

“Ron Johnson looks like the kind of guy who’s not afraid to roll up his sleeves and eat wheel after wheel of cheese. Like, an insane amount of cheese.”

“His opponent comes off looking pretty bad in every Ron Johnson ad I’ve seen.”

“Alas! He is me. I cannot vote against that which I am.”

“He looks like a Pez dispenser, and I like that.”

“As someone currently plotting a shooting, Johnson’s anti-gun-control platform aligns best with my values.”

“I’ve suffered enough brain damage to think it’s a good idea.”

“He hates all the people I hate.”

“I didn’t realize I had a choice.”

“He’s 67, so in Senate terms he’s a fresh-faced underdog.”

“I’m trying to be more spontaneous and do things outside my comfort zone.”

“I hate Wisconsin and want the worst for it.”

“I’m glad there’s a candidate who also believes I don’t deserve healthcare.”

“He hates my gay son even more than I do.”

“He looks like the kind of guy you could throw a beer at.”

“I base my vote on a mix of online misinformation and hateful impulses, never bothering to fact-check my most deeply held beliefs.”

“He’s focused on what normal, everyday Wisconsin residents care about: anti-China rhetoric and Hunter Biden’s laptop.”

“We need someone who’s tough on crime that didn’t occur at the Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021.”

“He said his opponent will make my cow produce curdled milk, and who am I to think that through?”

“As an absolutely batshit nuts bigot, his policies really speak to me.”

“It’s simple. I’m very rich.”