President Joe Biden has announced sweeping changes to US gun laws in an attempt to halt the rising incidences of police and mass shootings.
“All guns will be modified to fire gobs of whipped cream instead of bullets. Like in Bugsy Malone,” said the President at the morning White House press briefing.
“Instead of receiving a mortal injury, those hit will be covered in a splurge of sweet dairy. I think it will deter crime (no one wants to be covered in cream – especially in the summer) and though mass shootings could still occur it would be easier for the police to prevent them by having a system in place where grocery stores report when a customer buys an excessive amount of Reddi Whip.”
However, some groups, including The American Lactose Intolerant Society, have expressed concerns.
“This would prove fatal to our members, or lead to bouts of diarrhea and tummyache if caught in any crossfire. Even what could be described as a graze or flesh wound, a tiny glob of cream just touching one of us could be disastrous. I think we would rather take our chances with lead.”