While the National Crime Agency (NCA) has heralded the North Sea seizure as the UK’s biggest, most of the electorate will now have to face polling day without the cushioning effect of five ounces of ‘booger sugar’. This dip is cocaine supply will also have an adverse impact on the Media industry, with at 30% reduction in TV programmes but 50% improvement in quality.
Many voters have admitted that backing a Miliband or a Cameron can only really be done under the influence of Class A nose candy. One voter complained: ‘I need the under-founded confidence that coke gives me, in order to vote for politicians who are clearly out of their depth’. In fact, most manifesto pledges only make sense when seen through the haze of serious hallucinogens. As one medical expert attested: ‘Crack cocaine is an intense, short acting drug, very much like a Tory economic promise’.