Dear Mr. Kent,
Thanks to recent advances in our DNA sequencing technology, we have re-evaluated your sample and your ethnicity profile has changed. Genetics is a constantly evolving science, and we can now provide a clearer picture of your unique origins.
Prior to this update, your DNA results had been:
31% England/Northwest Europe
22% Germanic Europe
Our new, improved algorithm now reports that you are:
99.9% not of the human genome
<1% Pacific Islander
Mr. Kent, due to your uncommon results, we are offering Ancestry Plus (normally an extra $34.99 a month) to you for no additional fee. We will work alongside you to fill in your family tree, identify your ancestors’ region of origin, determine which genes you received from each parent, and help you uncover your secret identity.
As you may have read, Ancestry.com was recently purchased by a large, multinational conglomerate. Despite what some misguided Daily Planet columnists have claimed, our new owners do not have malicious intent. We are not selling your information to pharmaceutical companies. Nor are we creating a Bizarro clone army. And we most certainly are not compiling a database of any being who might possess the superhuman metagene. Hardly. Our mission statement remains the same: help the world share and preserve their family history.
With the influx of capital and synergy from the merger, the new Ancestry can now identify precise genetic traits, such as hair thickness, lactose intolerance, and cilantro aversion. If you sign up and offer another DNA sample, we can even determine if you are predisposed to any illnesses, diseases, or weaknesses to rare extraterrestrial metals.
Your DNA shows signs of superior heart rate recovery, above average physical endurance, high levels of vitamin D (lots of time in the sun), and the genetic marker on chromosome 2 gives you a cleft chin. It bears noting that your listed parents, Jonathan K and Martha K, do not share any of your genetic markers. Their linked family trees have roots entirely in Smallville, Kansas (no Pacific Islander in either of their samples), leading us to believe that you may not be their biological child.
In the interest of connecting you with blood relations, we went the extra mile and managed to locate another person sharing your common ancestors. Her name is Kara Z, currently residing in National City, likely a first or second cousin (17% shared DNA on your father’s side).
As a show of our goodwill, we would like to personally be there when you and Kara Z finally meet. We can facilitate travel, pay for airfare and accommodations, and our genealogists will chronicle the moment when two long-lost family members connect. We’ll be there with our cameras and non-invasive genetic testing devices to confirm if both of you share the same physical gifts and rare allergies to certain radioactive compounds.
Thank you for trusting us with your genetic information, Mr. Kent. We look forward to helping you make sense of your past so you can become the man of tomorrow.
Your friends at Ancestry
[A division of LexCorp]