Congratulations for buying the clone we made of you at GeneMake, Inc! We made a clone of everyone in the tri-city area in the month between when the technology was created and when cloning was made illegal. Getting in under the wire like that means that we are the only place in town where you can get a genetic duplicate of yourself!
That said, the clone-owning experience is new, and we’d love to address a few issues people are experiencing with their clones:
My clone is always ill
Clones do not have the built-up immunity and tolerance to viruses, sicknesses, and germs that the general population does, so unending bouts of colds and flus are normal. Plus, our clones are deficient in blood, because we didn’t give them enough blood, so they are often woozy.
My clone doesn’t look like me from the back
We pride ourselves on just how normal-looking our clones are from the front. From the back, not so much. The front will look just like you, but the back is just plain. And a little bit see-through. It was basically cheaper for us to have our cloning machine not focus on the back of the clones. Luckily, we can pass those price savings on to you!
My clone draws surgical diagrams on itself
They do this because they assume that they exist just to be your organ donor. However, it’s illegal to use a clone as an organ donor, as well as illegal to have them pretend to be you so you can stay home from work. Clones are merely companions who look like you who you don’t do weird things with (also made illegal) and that you are responsible for, and that fall down a lot because of a lack of blood.
My clone speaks fearfully of Cameron from the warehouse
At the warehouse where we store the clones, a clone named Cameron likes to make things up to scare the others, like telling them their new owners are going to drink them, or that he’s the head clone and his dreams are how reality is created. Once your clone has lived enough time outside of Cameron’s psychological grasp, they’ll stop talking about him, but will continue to have nightmares about him.
My clone is rotting
Was your clone exposed to an environment 80 degrees or warmer? If so, your clone will rot. Have it start sleeping on the ground outside, where it will dissolve overnight. Then set fire to the leftover foam and the grass where the clone slept to ensure the area will be habitable again.
My clone doesn’t look like me from the front
Oops! We gave you the wrong clone. We are clearing out our clone inventory, so if you don’t have a need for a clone that isn’t a clone of you, we suggest dropping it off in the caves outside of town, where a sort of ex-pat community of feral clones has formed. It will be welcomed there amongst its kind.
My clone popped
Did you add blood to your clone? This will pop your clone. Your clone will also burst if it’s one of the many who have a habit of inhaling and not stopping. Does your clone comment on how dry its insides feel? This is a sign that your clone may put a hose down its throat to fill itself with water: a clone that does this will soon pop. In short, our clones are prone to popping.
You gave me an orangutan instead of a clone
Oops! How did that get in there! We trade in orangutans as well as in clones, supplying zoos and film sets with orangutans, because both take up the same amount of space and eat the same foods (frozen pot pies). Do not bring the orangutan to the caves: the orangutans who join the clones in the caves become subservient to them, and can never again act in a movie.
My clone is aging at a rapid rate
Was your clone electrocuted due to its insatiable desire to touch wire? This boosts the aging process in a clone. Fast aging will not kill your clone, but the clone will reach a “peak physical age” that is horrifying in appearance though still livable for decades.
Orangutans dragged my clones away to the caves
From what we can tell, the clones in the caves and their orangutan loyalists are trying to bring all clones to their rogue community. But what do the caves have to offer? Dampness? Darkness? Companionship? You can provide at least two of those things for your clone in your basement. We’re confident that your clone will eventually come back to you in a violent cave escape and return covered in blood back to your doorstep.